Yes, I have to admit my days were a lot more boring before I moved to Cannes, CA to work in my grandma’s matchmaking business. It used to be I would get up, brush my teeth, get dressed, go to work, come home, watch TV, and go to sleep.
Of course, I moved around a lot and switched jobs like some people switch toilet paper rolls, but otherwise, it was a pretty boring life. And safe.
Since I moved in with my grandma a few months ago, I have had men chase me, murderers chase me, and once a dog chased me—but that was because I was carrying Grandma’s order of ribs, and who doesn’t like ribs?
When I’m not stumbling on to dead bodies, here’s a pretty typical day for me:
7:00 AM: I wake up if my alarm clock is working, but I got it on sale at a thrift shop, and the wire is a little frayed and sometimes it turns off in the middle of the night if I turn too much in bed and jiggle the wire. So, if it doesn’t go off, I wake up around 9:00 when my grandma comes in and tells me that contrary to popular belief, love blossoms in the morning, not the night, and I better get cracking if I’m going to be in the love business.
7:15 AM: (if I didn’t jiggle the wire): I take a shower and wash my hair with this fabulous coconut-smelling shampoo my friend Lucy gave me during her travels for work. She’s in marketing, whatever that is.
7:30 AM: I always put on mascara, no matter what, and usually I wear workout clothes, even though I haven’t worked out since I moved to Cannes. (Note to self: start yoga. Everybody does yoga but me.) I try to tame my hair with gel/mousse/serum, but it mostly does what it wants.
7:45 AM: Eat breakfast with Grandma. Usually bagels are involved. “Dolly,” she’s said. “Bagels are indispensable. Like toothpaste. And eyeliner. And control top pantyhose.”
8:15: Follow Grandma around and help her with whatever singles class she’s hosting.
11:00: Give up on class, wonder if I’ll ever be a successful matchmaker, go to pick up lunch for Grandma from one of her favorite fast food places and stop at Tea Time for a much needed latte.
11:15: My credit card gets declined, and I scrounge coins from the bottom of my purse to buy a latte. Ruth calls me a “reprobate.” As soon as I get a dictionary, I will be upset she called me that.
12:00: Pick up ribs/fried chicken/tacos for Grandma but am stopped by hunky police chief Spencer Bolton. “What are you up to, Pinkie?” he asks me and then tries to look down my blouse. “You are five years old,” I tell him. He leaves to fight crime.
12:15: My car won’t start. I call AAA and eat the ribs while I wait. Sexy yumminess Arthur Holden jogs by and sees me. “Hi,” he says and sticks his head through my car window. I have bbq sauce on my face but nothing to clean it off with. He doesn’t care. He kisses me, and my eyes roll back in my head. He jogs away, and I realize I’ve forgotten to tell him my car won’t start, but I’m feeling no pain. My uterus is humming love songs.
1:30: AAA doesn’t show up, and I decide to walk home. On the way I stumble on a dead body. I scream. I pass out.
1:40: I wake up. The dead guy is still there. He has a bullet wound to his head. I think: Why me? Why am I a magnet for death? I call Spencer.
1:42: Spencer arrives. “Are you kidding me?” he asks me, as if I drag in dead bodies from neighboring towns just to piss him off.
1:45: Spencer warns me not to get involved with the murder case.
1:46: I get involved with the murder case.
1:50: Spencer gets a police officer to drive me home.
2:00: I arrive home with no food, but somehow Grandma knows and has ordered in food, herself. We sit in the kitchen with the food, and my friends Lucy and Bridget come over and talk about the murder. They ask me if I know who the murderer is. I don’t.
3:00: Grandma takes a nap. Someone comes over and tries to kill me.
4:00: The gardener saves me with his pruning shears. Now there’s two dead bodies.
4:10: Spencer arrives and reads me the riot act. Holden comes over and rubs my back and asks if I’m okay. I realize the murderer wasn’t working alone, but I don’t tell anybody.
5:26: I solve the crime. I know who killed who and why and how (wouldn’t you like to know?). Spencer yells at me for getting involved and looks dreamily into my eyes, making me hyperventilate. Holden takes me out to dinner, pushing Spencer out of the way.
7:00: I choke on a chicken bone at dinner and go home early. Grandma has hot cocoa waiting for me, and she tells me I have “the gift”. Spencer unexpectedly shows up, grabs a root beer, and sits down at the table with us. He gives me the rundown of the aftermath of the murder case.
10:15: I kick Spencer out, even though he offers to make me levitate if only I would let him into my bed. I think about this offer.
10:28: I go to bed. Good night! Sweet dreams!
An affair to dismember
Three months has been Gladie Burger’s limit when it comes to staying in one place. That’s why Gladie is more than a little skeptical when her eccentric Grandma Zelda recruits her to the family’s matchmaking business in the quaint small town of Cannes, California. What’s more, Gladie is also highly unqualified, having a terrible track record with romance. Still, Zelda is convinced that her granddaughter has “the gift.” But when the going gets tough, Gladie wonders if this gift has a return policy.
When Zelda’s neighbor drops dead in his kitchen, Gladie is swept into his bizarre family’s drama. Despite warnings from the (distractingly gorgeous) chief of police to steer clear of his investigation, Gladie is out to prove that her neighbor’s death was murder. It’s not too long before she’s in way over her head—with the hunky police chief, a dysfunctional family full of possible killers, and yet another mysterious and handsome man, whose attentions she’s unable to ignore. Gladie is clearly being pursued—either by true love or by a murderer. Who will catch her first?
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Praise for An Affair to Dismember
“Fans of laugh-out-loud romantic suspense will enjoy this new author as she joins the ranks of Janet Evanovich, Katie MacAllister, and Jennifer Crusie.”--Booklist
“Elise Sax will win your heart.”--New York Times bestselling author Jill Shalvis
“In the tradition of Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series, Elise Sax’s new novel is a funny, sexy ride.”--Valerie Frankel, author of Four of a Kind
“What a fun book! It will leave readers begging for more.”—Kim Gruenenfelder, author of There’s Cake in My Future
about the author
Elise Sax worked as a journalist for fifteen years, mostly in Paris, France. She took a detour from journalism and became a private investigator before trying her hand at writing fiction. She lives in Southern California with her two sons. An Affair to Dismember, the first in the Matchmaker mystery series, is her first novel.